Planning & Support
Planning your own funeral
Record your wishes so the people close to you can understand your preferences.
Planning your own funeral can make it easier for the people close to you to understand your preferences. It does not mean that you have to decide every detail or pay for a funeral in advance.
For some people, planning ahead means writing down a few important wishes for the future. For others, a change in health or circumstances makes the conversation feel more immediate. You may also want to consider bringing people together for a living funeral while you can be part of it.
You decide how much you want to plan and who you want to involve.
Planning for the future
You can record funeral wishes at any stage of life. You might be doing this as part of wider life planning, after arranging a funeral for someone else, or simply because you would prefer other people not to have to guess what you wanted.
Your wishes can be as brief or as detailed as you choose. A short record of the things that matter most may be more helpful than making decisions about every possible detail.
You might want to record:
- whether you would prefer burial or cremation
- whether you would like people to attend the burial or cremation
- any religious, cultural or non-religious beliefs that should be respected
- the name, identity and relationships you want reflected accurately
- where you would like the funeral or remembrance to take place
- who you would like to lead or contribute to the ceremony
- music, readings, photographs or other personal elements
- preferences about clothing, flowers or charitable donations
- whether you would want a public funeral notice
- your thoughts about ashes, burial, keepsakes or a memorial
- anything you definitely would not want.
You do not need to know what every option means before you begin. Our guidance to funeral types and funeral choices can help you understand the possibilities.
When planning feels more immediate
A serious or life-limiting illness may make planning feel more immediate. You may want greater certainty about what will happen, involve the people close to you or make some decisions while you are able to take part in the conversation.
You can still approach this gradually. It may help to begin with:
- the decisions that matter most to you
- the people you want involved
- any wishes that are time-sensitive or particularly important
- whether you want to speak with a celebrant, minister, faith leader or another trusted person
- whether you would like family or friends to help record your wishes
- whether there are memories, messages, photographs or possessions you want to share.
You do not have to make the conversation entirely about the funeral. Some people also use this time to share stories, write letters, record messages or make plans for how they would like to spend time with the people important to them.
What is a living funeral?
A living funeral is a gathering held while the person whose life is being celebrated is still alive and able to take part.
It may be a structured ceremony, a meal, a party, an afternoon at home or a small gathering of close family and friends. It can include music, stories, photographs, readings, expressions of thanks or simply time together. There is no required format, and it does not have to be religious.
People consider living funerals for different reasons. Someone may want to:
- hear the memories and stories people associate with them
- thank or say goodbye to important people
- bring family and friends together
- celebrate their life while they can participate
- create new memories with the people close to them
- have some control over how their life is recognised.
A living funeral will not feel right for everyone. It should be the choice of the person at its centre and planned with care for their health, energy, privacy and emotional wellbeing.
Some people have a living funeral as well as a funeral or memorial ceremony after their death. Others decide that the living funeral will be their main celebration of life.
A living funeral does not replace the practical and legal arrangements required after a death though. Someone will still need to arrange the care of the person who has died and their burial or cremation, even if no further ceremony is planned.
Further information: Living funerals (Marie Curie) (opens in a new tab)
Recording your funeral wishes
Your wishes should be clear enough to guide the people who may eventually make the arrangements.
It can help to distinguish between:
- things that are important to you
- preferences you would like considered
- ideas you are still thinking about
- decisions you are happy to leave to other people.
Add the date to your wishes and review them after a significant change in your health, beliefs, relationships or circumstances. Replace older copies so that it is clear which version is current.
Make sure the right people can find it
Tell the person or people likely to arrange your funeral that you have recorded your wishes and where the current copy is kept.
You may wish to give a copy to:
- a close family member or friend
- the person likely to arrange your funeral
- an executor or another trusted person
- your solicitor, where appropriate
- your chosen funeral director.
Do not keep the only copy somewhere that may be difficult to access after your death. If your wishes are mentioned in your will, consider keeping a separate accessible copy as well.
Funeral wishes and pre-paid funeral plans are different
Recording your funeral wishes does not require you to buy a funeral plan.
A record of wishes describes your preferences. It does not, by itself:
- set money aside for the funeral
- fix the future cost
- form a funeral contract
- guarantee that every request will be possible.
A pre-paid funeral plan is a separate financial product with its own provider, price, terms and exclusions. Funeral-plan providers and intermediaries are regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority.
Before buying a plan, check the provider and its permissions using the FCA Firm Checker. Make sure you understand what is guaranteed, what funeral care providers it ties you to, and what may cost more and what happens if your circumstances or wishes change.
Future planning
Funeral wishes can form part of wider planning for your future. People make end of life plans at every age and for many different reasons. You do not need to be older, seriously ill or expecting the information to be needed soon.
Planning ahead can make important information easier to find and help the people you trust understand what matters to you. You do not have to address everything at once.
Alongside your funeral wishes, you may want to consider:
- whether you have a current will and where the original is kept
- who should be contacted in an emergency or after your death
- whether you want to make a lasting power of attorney
- any wishes about your future health or care that should be discussed with a healthcare professional or making a living will, also known as an Advance Decision
- where important personal, property, insurance, pension and financial information is held
- who should care for children, dependants or pets
- how you would like digital accounts, subscriptions and social-media profiles to be handled
- whether there are messages, photographs, stories or possessions you want to leave for particular people.
These records serve different purposes. Funeral wishes, a will, a lasting power of attorney, an advance statement about care and an advance decision to refuse treatment are not interchangeable. Some have particular legal or clinical requirements.
We can help you understand and record your funeral wishes, but we cannot provide legal, financial or medical advice. A solicitor, financial adviser or healthcare professional can help with the other parts of your planning where appropriate.
Useful planning resources
Marie Curie: Planning ahead (opens in a new tab)
Guidance and a planning checklist covering future care, emergencies, wills, powers of attorney, finances, memories and funeral wishes.
Age UK: LifeBook (opens in a new tab)
A downloadable record for organising practical information, including important contacts, documents, finances, possessions and final wishes.
NHS: Planning ahead for your future care (opens in a new tab)
An explanation of how someone can record preferences, wishes, beliefs and values relating to their future health and social care.
GOV.UK: Lasting power of attorney (opens in a new tab)
Official guidance about appointing someone to make health, welfare, property or financial decisions if you cannot make them yourself.
Keep completed planning records securely. Tell a trusted person where they are kept, but do not send passwords, financial details, medical records or copies of legal documents through the Valentines contact form.
Talking to Valentines about your wishes
You can contact us regarding any aspects of funeral wishes, provision or care, and we can talk you through the different types of funeral options or talk through the wishes you are considering.
You do not need to make every decision during one conversation. We can begin with what matters most to you, explain where practical or venue requirements may apply and help you identify what it would be useful to record.
Frequently asked questions
A wishes document is intended to guide the people arranging the funeral; it is not the same as a funeral contract or financial plan. Practical, legal and financial circumstances may affect what can be carried out, so make the most important preferences clear and discuss them with the people likely to be involved.
No. You can record only the decisions that matter to you and leave the rest to the people arranging the funeral. It is helpful to distinguish firm wishes from ideas or preferences.
Yes. Update the document whenever you choose, add the date and replace copies held by other people so that the current version is clear.
You can refer to funeral wishes in wider end-of-life planning, but the people arranging the funeral need to be able to find them promptly. Consider keeping a separate accessible copy and tell a trusted person where it is.
No. A wishes consultation records preferences. A pre-paid funeral plan is a regulated financial product with its own contract, provider, price and terms.
Talk to someone who can help
If someone has died or you need immediate guidance, call either of our branch numbers for 24-hour assistance.
You do not need to know what to ask. We will take you through the next steps.
For non-urgent enquiries, you can request an estimate or contact us online. We will respond during office hours 09:00-16:00.